Back to Chicago

       Yesterday we packed up our things (again) and left cozy Minnesota for Chicago. I could feel the anxiety building in me as we gathered our things that had quickly spread themselves throughout the house. We tried to keep our environment calm and relaxed as we prepared to leave. Gabriel made some coffee, I took a bath, and right before we left his family gathered around us in prayer. 

The only time I had been back to Chicago since July 8 was when my father and I flew back when they caught the man who raped me. I had to do a police line up. That whole experience had been a nightmare. I had to see him again. I had to talk to countless attorneys and police officers repeating every detail of the experience over and over again. My loving father helped me through all of the painful legal hoops—while all I could do was cry and beg to go home. 

       I was afraid that being in Chicago would be too hard, too triggering, too scary. I was afraid to see a bus stop. I know he’s locked away for now, but I was still irrationally afraid I would see him. I didn’t know how walking down a Chicago street would feel. 

       One of my best friends from University grew up in a nice suburb just north of Chicago. A few months ago her parents graciously and generously offered to host us if we wanted to transition back to living in Chicago. The idea of living in Chicago conjures up a mixture of excitement, terror, hope and insecurity. Moving to a city with so much pain and no family to help when the baby arrives sounds crazy, but we did love Chicago. The life, culture and opportunity always felt exciting. And becoming our own independent family, no matter how young and poor, is empowering. As hard as it would be, we want to be in Chicago. This weekend was a mini test run to see if I can handle it. 

       When we arrived late last night to our hosts’ beautiful Victorian home, excitement bubbled. Friends were here. They had set up and decorated a nursery for our little babe. The closet space in our room is amazing and the room is cold, like I love it. And there is a beautiful piano for Gabriel to play (he’s been playing it all evening). I felt immediately that this was a safe, comfortable, welcoming place. 

       Now we just had to see how Chicago felt. Gabriel and I had an easy morning today. He played some piano while I drank coffee and cuddled with Hank, the cat I’m swiftly becoming buddies with. I picked out my favorite warm Nordic sweater and we bundled up for our first venture into the city we used to know so well. It felt like the pressure before a big date. I wore lipstick and Gabriel kept self consciously flattening his hair. 

       “I feel like I have to impress Chicago! I want Chicago to realize how much it missed me and compliment my new beard.” Gabriel joked as I applied another layer of blush. We were just going to our old campus. As we approached the campus in our little stick shift, we saw our first bus stop. I caught my breath and Gabriel grabbed my hand. 

       “How are you doing?” He asked. My heart rate quickened and I squeezed his hand, but I was okay. We drove right past and soon arrived at North Park University. Surrounded by all of the coffee shops, restaurants and stores that are so familiar to us, we walked through Chicago for the first time as husband and wife. We walked across our campus where we shared so many good, light hearted and transformative memories. We slipped into one of the school buildings and with bated breath visited the theatre where we spent countless hours on the stage rehearsing for shows. Walking around that familiar, safe place where I had been so brave and loved, tears filled my eyes. Gabriel immediately filled the huge theatre with song, while I simply sat on the stage soaking in the energy from past shows and personal triumphs. This was a home for me. 

       We later met a dear friend for lunch and soon warm conversation and lots of laughter mixed over cups of Swedish coffee. We took tours of friend’s new homes and discussed future plans. So many faces that we had seen daily were once again surrounding us, and I wasn’t afraid, ashamed or intimidated. It was tempting to feel sad about what we were missing, but soon the hope of what is too come for us overwhelmed me. My life does look remarkably different, and getting my college degree with a husband and young son will be difficult and trying I’m sure, but there is still a place for me there. I am still supported and loved, and now I have a wonderful man by my side that lovingly walks through life with me. 

       Moving back to Chicago after the holidays will be hard, and adding even more transition for our transitive lives isn’t ideal, but today I could picture it. I won’t always have the safety and security of Gabriel’s hand in mine, but I am getting stronger and the many things I loved about Chicago are still here.