The Heights and the Depths

       In my favorite book A Severe Mercy, Sheldon Vanauken writes, “great joy through love seemed always to go hand in hand with frightful pain. Still…still, the joy would be worth the pain…here and now [choose] the heights and the depths.” It is tempting to say that 2013 was a year of horrible terror and pain. It certainly was that. But to only remember the darkness is to only half remember the year. This past year I discovered great reserves of personal strength through the horror of being raped. But I also became a mother and watched my body change from a single souled being into something much greater and far more complex. And, I fell in love this year.  

Last night, laying in bed sharing tears and whispers, I asked Gabriel, “Do you think we have true love?” He stroked my hair and kissed my nose. 
“Yes. You are my true love.” 

There are so many dark, painful things in our lives, and 2014 will still be a year of mourning—but it will also be a year of celebration. Our son will meet the world this year, and our world will be forever changed. We are moving and settling into our first home together—putting down roots as a new family for the first time. I know there will be days when our brokenness will overwhelm us, but there will be days of healing and triumph as well. The heights and the depths. 

Someone who has been a great encouragement to me through this trial recently said, with tears in her eyes, “I don’t know why God allowed this to happen to you. But I know he has good things ahead of you.” 

The year 2013 taught me just how swiftly life can change, and just how unprepared we are for it. I had ambitious plans. Those plans aren’t necessarily thrown out the window—but they will certainly look different. Everything looks different now. A myriad of life changes on top of trauma makes it hard for my brain to catch up and process it all (I have learned there is science behind this), but I know the days will roll by, one right after the other. My mom often reminds me that ‘Life is fluid. Tomorrow won’t be the same as today.’ That’s important to remember on the days that are crowded with fear, insecurity and sadness. Just like 2013, 2014 will be full of both great fear and great love. The heights and the depths.