The New Year

        Every morning when Theo wakes up—usually around six thirty—Gabriel gets up and changes his diaper. I turn down the monitor so I don’t hear the crying (my child hates getting his diaper changed), and I desperately hope for a miraculous two more hours of sleep. I’m grumpy in the morning. The only difference between a Bulldog and me in the morning is pajama pants—unless of course the Bulldog is wearing pajama pants, then we are one and the same. Gabriel sets Theo down next to me in bed and then promptly crawls back under the covers. He swears he’s not going back to sleep, but I don’t believe him. Theo giggles and pinches and crawls all over me. Pulls my hair. Sticks his fingers in my mouth. All the while I’m attempting to side nurse my sweet child back to sleep. I’m grumpy, but optimistic in the morning.

        His new favorite thing to do is slap my face repeatedly while nursing. I don’t know why, but for Theo slapping me in the face while nursing is a total gas. I silently endure. This morning started out like any other. Theo woke up. I groaned and turned down the monitor. I had been up only 45 minutes earlier nursing him in his room. Gabriel went to change his diaper. I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes. Angry, resentful, tired thoughts swarmed my brain. Gabriel doesn’t have to wake up at all hours of the night to nurse him. And he gets to sleep again while the kid attacks my face. Other mothers get to sleep until at least seven!

I heard the bedroom door creak and I peeked one eye open to meet my early morning fate. The second Theo laid eyes on me he let out a high pitched giggle and threw his head back as if he had just heard the best news of his life. He leaned forward, reached his arms toward me, and his raspy little voice called, “Mama! Mamamamammamama!”

My heart lifted toward heaven and a smile lit my face as my boy nestled into my arms. My smile surprised me. Not only because it is rare for me to smile before coffee, but I don’t think I have felt that light, or free in months.

     The year 2014 has been a heavy, important, messy, glorious year. Theodore Eldon Duane came screaming into the world and has been filling it with laughter ever since. Gabriel and I moved for the third time and we still haven’t settled on the best place to store our KitchenAid. We’ve had a hard time staying married, yet I have a hard time envisioning life without Gabriel. The truth is, we would be fine on our own, and fine together—that’s just how life is. But we’ve chosen to do this together, and that’s how marriage is, I guess.

Nothing has gone as planned this year—and I have the scars to prove it—but life has grown deeper. Countless times a day I look at my son and nearly stumble with the fearful, incredible realization that this beautiful little human is my own. I applied for college—for the unexpected second time—and was accepted. I reenter the world outside my home on January 12, 2015—my first day at The Ohio State University. I can’t even imagine the trials and excitement it will bring. It’s been a long time since anyone routinely expected me to shower and brush my teeth.

Last year Gabriel and I hailed in the New Year with sparkling juice, lots of candy in bed and my growing pregnant belly between us. This year will be much the same; but with cheap champagne, frozen pizza, and just my stretch marks between us. But we are vastly different people. We no longer fearfully clutch each other, hiding from the evil world that has beaten and ravaged us. This year we’re a little wiser, a lot angrier, and moving forward. We might still be afraid, but we’re moving forward.

This morning as I silently fed Theo his breakfast, Gabriel looked at me over his coffee and said, “Aren’t you tired of living like this?” He didn’t mention anything specific, but I knew what he meant.
“Yes.” I replied.
“Me too.”

This year I will have goals. I know you’re supposed to list your goals and resolutions on New Year’s Eve, but I’m not there yet. I just want some direction instead of living my life in reaction. I know going back to school will change my circumstances, but I want to change. I want to be less angry, and more full of grace. I want to listen more and numb less. For now, my biggest goal of 2015 is to experience mornings with my son in a new way. Today was a little glimpse into what that could be. I want to see the beginning of my days differently. The rest will follow.

        And my doctor says I should drink more water.